Monday, December 31, 2012

Reflection Time...

Reflection Time…
So 2012 is coming to an end…it has been a year full of surprises…some good and some not so good. As I sit here on New Year’s Eve I have to reflect back on the year and the many blessings it has held. And the many challenges.
I felt I finally got my groove on with managing Darryn’s diabetes, at least as much as one can. I felt I was at a comfortable place, finally. I felt I had this. I would never claim to master a disease that doesn’t play by the rules, ever, but I felt I had some control. I felt I could beat this beast. I felt I could ride this roller coaster. With my hands up in the air!!
Midyear, I got some scary news, doctors were concerned my cancer had returned. I was having some issues and the toughest part was preparing myself to say good bye to my precious babies, God willing. However, the fighter in me, I just couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t stand for it. I decided to put my gloves back on and fight like hell!!! My babies need me. Almost as half as much as I need them!! I again was blessed with another blessing…no cancer in sight. 9 years standing strong!!
So, September came…family vacation…who could ask for much more. The beach, a place my kids adore and I absolutely love! We had an amazing vacation, despite my baby girl not feeling so well. I had thought the stomach bug had just reappeared. Turns out she went into severe DKA. I knew before we even entered the emergency room, she was Type 1 diabetic like her big brother. It hurt so bad to tell the emergency crew about Darryn and what her blood sugar was…knowing what her life held. It still hurts to this day, her tiny fingers at 11 months old. Stepping into Life Lion with her was tough. I cried the whole way to Penn State Hershey Children’s Hospital. I watched a baby girl, lifeless….I had to hold her as they stuck needles in her forehead because she was so dehydrated, they couldn’t find any other veins to hit. I cried my eyes out. Not again!!! Please not again!! The reality still hasn’t set in….
But what have I learned in 2012, despite all the challenges and blessings that have been given to me!!
I have realized that I can’t pull away from those that care about my family! I have learned that the DOC (diabetic online community) held me up when I had no strength left. When I was down and out and scared as hell for my baby girl to pull through, they were there. Posts on facebook everywhere you looked…hundreds of friends praying for my baby girl and my family. A ton of private messages and texts, that I never had the time to answer or respond to. It meant the world to me!! I didn’t realize it then, as she was my main focus, but they were there….doing what they do best. Standing behind anyone who needs help. Praying. Pulling for a dear sweet girl who had and has no idea how many love her!! One of my dearest friends had just lost her husband to cancer right before Camryn was diagnosed…I still say to this day, he watched over her and me. I still cherish that. Thank you, Ryan Schuhmacher!!
It has been quite the year. I have had the blessing of helping a good friend from high school watching her mom go through cancer treatments…helping her has been a blessing to me. Helping anyone is my heartfelt goal. I love seeing others smile!! It does my heart good!! As I have always said…the best workout is lifting others up. I have been blessed by some amazing friends and family that are always there for me.
So, I have so much respect for my DOC, they get me when no one else does…they just get it. I have met some of the most amazing people through this ugly disease. I thank you all for carrying me this last year!! Each one of you are amazing…I won’t attempt to mention names as I would forget someone special!!
Now, onto my non diabetic friends, you are as equally amazing!! In every sense of it!!! I know I have changed since diagnosis, and change isn’t always easy to accept! I can’t thank you all enough for your steadfast position in my life and for supporting my family!! Some of you have loved me even when I wasn’t loveable. I didn’t mean to change, but it’s hard not to. My life has changed so much, but my love for all of you has never wavered!!! I know I’m not the fun one anymore…I can’t do things spontaneously like I used to…I can’t leave my children with just anyone, matter of fact it’s myself or my mom!! And that woman gets tired too, just like me. And she still finds it in her big heart to give me breaks as much as she can.  To my non D friends, don’t ever give up on me. My love will always be there, even when I can’t find the time to tell you just how precious you all are!! My heart is overflowing with thanks and love!!! I hope each and every one of you know how much love I feel for you all!!
And to my family, I have no words to express how much your support and love mean to me!! And my children!!
Happy New Year to all my family and friends, D and non D….I love you all with all my heart!!! And beyond!! May 2013 bring you and your families love, health and so much happiness!!